Neon Genesis Kallisti
by unknown user
Summary: What if NERV was a discordian organization, instead of a judeochristian one? A bizzare postmodern romp through Eva and Erisland May border on M rating
1. Ch 01: SETTING ORANGE

**NEON GENESIS KALLISTI  
Trip 01: SETTING ORANGE**

A/N:  
This is just a bizzare idea I had while majorly sleep deprived. I already have Neon Cognogenesis Omega, which is based on sumerian mythology. But I had just recently become a Discordian, and I considered what it would be like if SEELE and NERV were discordian organizations.

--

Shinji stood in the green phone booth, in the center of the empty city. Picking up the phone to try to make a call, he barely noticed two bumper stickers, on opposite sides of the booth. On the right, "TARDIS". On the left, "THIS BOOTH RESERVED FOR CLARK KENT".

"Shit."

-

The sun was like a giant golden apple, edging closer and closer to the horizon. The heat was bothering the purple-haired woman, who had engaged willingly in the ill fortune of wearing a black polyester dress. Around her neck was a round pendant, but at the moment, we cannot recognize exactly what is on it. So it goes.

She had been waiting here for an hour, outside the exit to the train station. Don't ask me why I know this -- I don't even know who I am. Just as I am likely a disembodied limited-omniscient narrator, you (as an audience) may not exist at all. Wierd, eh? Anyway, back to the woman... (Wait... Somewhere, in a white room, Rei Ayanami is screaming) She was supposed to pick up a young boy who had been recruited (to what, I wonder), and bring him to a man named Episkopos Gendou Ikari. Not that I know who this Gendou Ikari person is right now, anyway.

She noted that this was the only exit to the train station, aside from an emergency exit with a broken alarm. Surely, he wouldn't use the emergency exit? He seemed like a good kid, if meek and easily confused. She had been watching him from her MAGI terminal for weeks ("just for work", she says, "honest!"), even though he's never met her. Oh, what problems that could cause -- an older woman watching a 16 year old boy from the shadows, on her computer screen. (Somewhere, Rei Ayanami whimpers as the needle breaks the membrane, and all goes quiet).

Just on a whim, the woman decided to check outside the other exit. Surely enough, there was the boy, standing in a phonebook with a sticker covering the glass in front of his face, reading "Where am I going, and why am I in this handgun?"

"Ikari-kun!" The boy looked up.

-

Somewhere, people were becoming robot cabbages. Rei Ayanami was screaming again, and Magus Keel jolted awake from a deep, restless sleep, an image in his mind of a pentagon made of green neon eyes. He glanced at a Dr Ritsuko Akagi sleeping beside him, and vowed to stay off the acid -- a vow he would break in 2 hours and 3 minutes, when he saw something that would change his life forver.

--

A/N:  
As I said, this is a bizzare idea. I'm trying on a new writing style (that of Robert Anton Wilson), so don't worry -- I'm not slipping; it's supposed to be campy and disorganised :P. Btw, kudos to whoever can get all the references :D.


	2. Ch 02: WHEN CABBAGES ATTACK

**Neon Genesis Kallisti  
Trip 02: When Cabbages Attack!**

--

"So, are you taking me to see my father?" The boy looked up. His eyes betrayed a past of pain and longing, hidden beneath the surface of a mask. Or maybe they were contact lenses.

"Yeah. You two don't get along?" She fingered her pendant, remembering to herself what her father had told her, so many years ago -- the hodge and the podge, she remembered -- years ago, before she had quit school and joined the military, before she had quit the military and joined the freemasons, before she had quit the freemasons and joined a mysterious secret organization known to outsiders only as LDD.

"He was always so serious -- so stern. I could never relate to him." A million people pass by you every day, a million faces lost in the crowd. A million tragedies, like Shinji's, lost in ignorance and apathy. A boy who could not relate to his father, a father who became an aneristic avatar in the eyes of his son when all he wanted to do was come to terms with his past -- all these things lost with time, like tears in the acid rain. Or something like that.

Back in the train station, a sign stood on the working door... Grinning... Waiting... On its ivory face was written, in bold black print:  
**MAIN DOOR OUT OF ORDER  
USE EMERGENCY EXIT UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE  
- THE MGT**

-

The head of the JSSDF stood in awe at the sight on his screen. "What the hell IS it?" he asked.

"It's a god damn fucking giant cabbage, is what it is!"

The commander winced. "General! I TOLD you not to use that language!" He knew that everything said in the war room, his home, the general's home, his car, in his email, and on his private telephone was being recorded, and that in 20 years it would be released as unclassified and put on the JSSDF document database. He simply would NOT have the records of HIS command be riddled with foul language, making him the laughing stock of those annoying military nerds who had grown up with the declassified dialogue from an earlier, more civilized age.

The commander was not such a bad guy, all things considered. He laughed at Family Circus, he had a thing for old Jerry Lewis films, he tolerated Barney, and he genuinely loved kittens and young children, unless they happened to be somewhere where he needed to drop an N2 mine or release a deadly biological weapon. He took several varieties of pep pills to keep himself alert during long days, and he took tranquilizers and antipsychotics to balance out the effects, keeping the level just low enough to have that slight paranoid-schizophrenic edge that kept him ahead in matters of war. He loved his wife dearly, and though he had been entirely impotent with her for the past 15 years (even with the help of copious amounts of viagra), he achieved climax in an average of 20 seconds when armed with his right hand and a Chobits doujinshi. In short, he was much like the commanders of the other major military forces.

His paranoid-schizophrenic edge told him that this giant cabbage was something VERY strange, and he knew all too well that strange things were often VERY dangerous. "What can we do to defeat it?"

"Dropping N2 mine now sir... No effect!"

_An N2 mine having NO EFFECT? What kind of monster are we dealing with?_ Hearing a sudden tone, he saw that his cell phone was ringing. The ringtone, "Rock Around the Clock", indicated that the person calling him was on his list of "nut jobs who I have to deal with due to regulations". Reluctantly, he picked up.

Strangely, the main viewscreen synced itself to the video image on the phone. It was a man, wearing orange tinted classes, with a scraggly beard, long hair drawn into a ponytail, and a circular pendant around his neck. He wore a loose black silk robe, with golden cufflinks, and behind him was a picture of a large golden apple, the writing wrapping around it stating: "GODDESS IS IN HER HEAVEN AND ALL IS RITE WITH THE PENTAVERSE".

_Episkopos Ikari..._ "It is you."

The man grinned wildly. "How are you gentlemen? I'd like to take temporary control of your base."

"What you say?!"

The image behind the man was replaced by a live video feed of the cabbage advancing on Tokyo-3. "You are on the path to destruction. You have no chance to survive, unless you make your time." He chuckled.

"Ikari! This is madness!"

The man's grin grew wider, as the image changed again to a picture of a giant robot in a cage, with (unbeknownst to everyone, except a certain Doctor) subliminal messages flashing the words "LAST HOPE FOR MANKIND FNORD!". "Madness? This is DISCORDIA!!!!"

With that, the screen became static, the man dissapearing, as apparently the MAGI took over. In the corner of the room, a young secret agent named Ryouji Kaji smiled to himself. _This shall prove quite interesting... Even Ikari would not stand in the way of the Illuminati without his trump card._

Agent Kaji was in a rather unique position. It wasn't simply that he was a triple agent -- his lifetime of obsessing over James Bond books, movies, and merchandise rather secured his fate. Instead, it was the fact that in every organization, he was given the same number: 0023. He was rather unsure of what this signified. His first impression was that perhaps all three organizations were in cahoots with each other, but this idea was disproven by the events he had just witnessed. Other thing bothered him, too -- such as the fact that his direct superior, in each organization, was a man named Clark. They were entirely different men, of course, and some of them had the name as a given name and some as a surname, but still, it was very strange. He had decided to get to the bottom of this, even if it cost him his life.

-

"Ikari... You know what you doing?" Pope Fuyutsuki looked slightly worried.

"Of course. Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean I'm wrong. In fact, the reason I'm crazy is because I believe the truth."

The older man chuckled. "Quoting old Mal doesn't make you invincible, Gendou."

The man's glasses angled, picking up the light ominously. "Goddess is on our side. I can feel it in my pineal gland."

Unceremoniously intruding on the moment and stealing Gendou's thunder, Misato barged onto the deck, with Shinji in tow. "Hail Eris!" She held up her hand.

"All hail Discordia." responded the entire staff of the bridge.

"I see you've brought him. Good. MOVE OUT!"

Misato looked worried. "But... We don't have a pilot! Rei can't do it yet, can she?!"

"One has just arrived."

"You don't mean..." While she was distracted with her building emotion, Gendou took off his shoe and threw it at her, gaining a headshot (1 UP!) and knocking her out cold. Without missing a beat, he continued: "Take off every Eva. You know what you doing. Move Eva, for great justice!"

Shinji looked at him as if he had two paper-mache heads and no real one. "Umm...?"

"Just get in the back, kid."

"Ohh... You mean the giant robot? That thing WORKS? I thought it was just a scale model, what with Father being an otaku and all..."

"Shinji, the cabbage is advancing. Go do it... Please? For me?" Gendou faked sweetness.

"Dude... You left me living with my smelly, practical-joke-obsessed gay uncle for 10 years, and you expect me to fight cabbages for YOU?!"

Gendou sweatdropped. "Okay, how about this." He clicked a button, and the screen showed a picture of Rei. "Kill the cabbage, and I'll let you do her. Oh, and I'll give you some really good weed too -- just kill the damn thing."

A new sense of meaning and purpose surged through Shinji's body, starting (it seemed) in his pelvic area. Ignoring this sensation, he entered the plug.

The plug started to fill up with some strange yellow liquid. "Shinji, this is Tan-- I mean, AUM. It's a chemical that will oxygenate your lungs directly, as well as allow you to more easily sychronize with the Eva."

As Shinji finally allowed himself to be completely submerged, he thought to himself _It tastes like Red Bull..._ "I'm going to be sick." he announced.

"Go ahead, if you want vomit floating in there too."

"On second thought..."

"EVA LAUNCH!"

-

On the surface, the cabbage was moving very slowly towards the center of Tokyo 3. In it's tiny brain, the closest to a REASON why it was doing this that it could discern was something like "peer pressure". All these voices in its head (pun intended) kept on saying "Oh, come on... Assault Tokyo-3! All the cool veggies are doing it!" and "It'll be fun! You're missing out, and ruining it for the rest of us!" That was enough for him to keep moving.

"Target sighted. Engaging."

An elevator popped up beside him, opening and revealing what appeared to be a massive gardening hose. "This weapon shoots out Mr Pibs, the only known way to neutralize a cabbage's defenses."

Taking the hose in hand, he began to water the cabbage, which began to melt. It dissapeared. _Wtf? That was WAYY too easy!_

"Great job, Shinji! Now let's get you out of there."

-

Around a matte black table, five black monoliths stood, each with a strange word inscribed. SWEET spoke first: "It seems we have underestimated the Nerv Kabal."

PUNGENT spoke: "Yes... They are far too vile to be tolerated."

Next, PRICKLE: "I have finished the voodoo dolls, as requested, however we still do not know WHO is heading this organization, so we cannot activate them."

BOOM spoke next: "Why don't we just nuke all of Tokyo-3?"

Finally, at the head of the table, ORANGE piped in: "Man I love you guys... Illuminates Primus! 5 for one, 1 for all!"

The room let out a collective groan.

-

"Father... You have changed."

Gendou smirked. "Haha, yeah. That's what happens when one becomes a Discordian. Oh man, I'm so sorry for having been an aneristic avatar to you all these years, but I guess it was good in the long run -- the law of Eristic Escallation worked in our favour. Because I was such a hard-ass, you became totally unruly, and were able to kick that cabbage's ass!"

"Speaking of... What about that girl?"

"Oh, Rei? Pretty hot, huh? She's sleeping right now... Had a hard day, what with bizzare rituals and shit. Why don't you come over to her place tomorrow, say around 5:00? I'll let her know. I can give you the hash now, though."

"Uhh... no thanks?" Shinji backed away from his deadbeat father, who he now believed was a drug addict.

"Suspicious of what's in it? Good man. Untrusting, independent -- the best way to be. But yeah, it's damn good stuff. If you ever change your mind and want some, I owe it to you." He took a golden pipe out of his pocket and filled it up with the yellowish-green herb in the bag in his hand, lighting it and sticking it in his mouth for a puff.

_What have I gotten myself into?_

--

A/N:  
Another chapter done! I'm on a roll (sorta). If you are a Discordian, and have read the Illuminatus trilogy, you probably get basically all of what is going on here, but since barely anyone meets that criteria, I figure that it doesn't technically count as "obvious".


	3. Ch 03: BE YE NOT LOST AMONG PRECEPTS OF

**Neon Genesis Kallisti  
Ch 03: BE YE NOT LOST AMONG PRECEPTS OF ORDER**

--

Shinji stood in front of the doorway to appartment 401, racked with nervousness. _Yeah Dad, she's hot. She's... really hot._ Somehow, he didn't think he deserved this reward -- what with the cabbage being so easily defeated. Gulping down, he knocked. _Nothing is true, and everything is permissable._ He reminded himself.

There was no answer. He knocked again. He tried pressing on the bell a few times, but to no avail. Finally, he simply opened the door.

The appartment was messy, with bits of torn clothing, loose leaf paper, and books piled on the floor. He looked around, finding no one in sight. A flash of gold caught his eye, some strange object on the dresser at the far end of the room.

Without thinking, he went to it. _An apple..._ Written on the side of the golden figurine was something in greek, but he couldn't make out what it meant.

He felt small arms sneak around his body, grabbing the apple from his hand. "Not for you." Turning, he came face to face with the blue-haired beauty that he had see in the picture. Swelling, he put his hands in front of his crotch to cover himself. She placed the apple on her night stand, and took his hands away, one by one. "Tell me: what does a unicorn mean to you?"

"Huh?" He looked down slightly, noticing that she was entirely unclothed. She had a reddish birthmark between her breasts, standing out starkly against the perfect paleness of the rest of her skin (not even tan lines!) and looking down further, he noticed that blue was, in fact, her natural hair colour...

"A horse with one horn coming out of its head," she said, looking at his crotch. "What does that mean to you?"

His eyes catching her breasts again, he looked more carefully, then froze.

"What does an eye in a triangle mean to YOU?"

Eyeing him dangerously for a moment, she slapped him. His hand cupped where she had struck.

Seeing the hurt that she had caused, she looked down. "I... am sorry. I am sensitive about that subject."

"I'd better go." He brushed by her, heading for the door.

"Wait!" He looked back at her. "I am truly sorry. However, I believe that we can make up for the hurt... mutually."

He looked down, seeing himself swelling again, and bit back a spiteful smile. "No. To give myself away to a girl who slaps me one minute and then wants to fuck me the next would be masochistic."

Rei looked away. "Very well. In time you shall see proof of my gentleness; our current bad luck withstanding, goddess willing, we shall have a more pleasant encounter." She sat down on her bed, spreading her legs, and Shinji took this as his cue to leave.

Privately, and at different times, both parties "took care" of the libido built-up in them in this encounter. In time, they would take care of each other in person. Now, Rei held the apple of discord, displeased at the encounter. She knew, however, that Goddess smiled upon those who smiled at themselves, and began the long journey towards the home of a world of lights, which only in orgasm could be made real.


End file.
